Julie the Film Student

In order to study any specific art major, students at my university had to complete an art foundations course. In 2005 I began two arduous semesters of drawing, color theory, composition, studio, and art history classes. After that, one submits their portfolio to the department of their choosing to get admitted to the program. It was a giant folding piece of cardboard full of work with your name and GPA written right on the front. That day sucked. That morning I got a call from my dad telling me my mom had breast cancer. So I found myself sitting in line for hours with all the other art hopefuls, anxiously contemplating our futures. After getting rejected from the film department, (and somehow accepted to the best sculpture program in the country?) my exquisite studio teacher declared I was robbed. At that point I had two films accepted into two separate student shows, and one had even been awarded. “They probably didn’t even open your portfolio because of your (shockingly terrible) GPA,” she said. So I confronted the film department director in his office, made a Pretty Woman-type scene of ‘big mistake, big, HUGE’, and stormed off to study Kinetic Imaging instead. And it’s a good thing I did.

Where the film department was committed to teaching antiquated formats like literal kodak cellulose acetate, Kinetic Imaging had the autonomy to work in many mediums, i.e. film vs. video. One could refer to it as ‘video art’. We studied animation, sound art, experimental film, and artists like Nam June Paik and John Cage. I created a lot. In spring of 2007 I made my crown jewel, my fourteen minute mockumentary about dumpster divers, as my final project. While there was a lot of artistic freedom encouraged, I couldn’t help but wonder what I was missing from a traditional film school education. How do you convince people to give you money to make your movie? Where does a producer have power over the director? What is the decision making process like at a big budget company like Disney? I spent two semesters in the program before I dropped out and decided to move west.

Flash forward to 2012, I found myself having spent five years working away without any more schooling. I was married, and about to fall pregnant with my first kid. I felt incomplete without more education. I spent two semesters essentially starting over at my new school. After decidedly unliking Thelma and Louise, proposing the director of (the highly racist) Birth of a Nation was simply a troll, learning that young children are actually aware of what commercials do, and giving birth to my daughter, I finally closed the schooling chapter of my life. 

So here I am! Desperate to have my many questions answered.

Isn’t it weird to see toilet paper commercials only ever filmed in bathrooms suspiciously large enough to film a toilet paper commercial in?

Why are all the moms in TV ads dressed so dowdy and similarly?

How are the props in hollywood stored and used? Is there a giant warehouse where prop masters inventory and rent out various stuff?

What is the conversation like between the person who designed Daenerys’ three-headed-dragon pin and the fabricator who created it?

Where is the line between friend and boss for producers on The Real Housewives?

Who ultimately makes the decisions on which shows get a green light at the upfronts? 

Are there contracts between movie theaters and distribution companies?

How exactly do art and commerce blend this harmoniously to create? Or do they?

Euphoria

HBO must have noticed how successful dark, young adult dramas have been, cuz they’re certainly jumping in feet first. With a giant stretch across the aisle to the adult-adult audience as well, Euphoria ups the ante in putting bleak teenagers on display. Think ‘Kids’ meets ‘Trainspotting’ meets ‘Varsity Blues’. When this kind of material hits the screen these days it’s usually in a watered down, poorly acted CW show. Zendaya takes the role of a sad strung out teen and brings chops, depth, and weight to her performance. Seriously though, other than the fact that she is clearly gorgeous, I can’t take my eyes off her. Her story is so sad, it’s impossible not to feel sorry for her. 

The subject matter is turned up to eleven. We’ve seen the common tropes of teenage peril before - sex, drugs, reputations, and insecurities. But much like the kids in these stories, they have been TURNT. We witness struggles with addiction, imbecilic white boys, a trans teen navigating dangerous situations, and an alarming dose of social media. There is a strange and perplexing mix of sweetness and darkness in Euphoria. I’m going to attribute that idea to the blurry show poster of a stoned Zendaya adorned with glitter and awash in pink and purple. The production quality matches the extreme yet modern standard the stories set. The visuals are neon and moody, surrounded in a metaphorically obvious shadowy atmosphere. As we see here, directors and cinematographers get a lot of fun and freedom whenever parties or drugs are happening on screen. There's a great moment where the camera delicately rolls around the set, carefully tracking and turning. The imagery gives me an impression of what the Euphoria mood board had on it - hazy neon signs, Migos, Sydney Sweenie’s Handmaids Tale sexy-voice, molly, unsolicited dick pics, and 'Clueless.' Although the drama takes itself quite seriously, there are moments that feel over the top and contrived - such as the underage drug dealer, the overly moody voiceover, and moronic boys asking 'R U A SLUT OR A PRUDE??' The whole time we kept turning to each other saying 'surely this isn't how things really are in high school right now, right....?'

Not sure if I’ll keep watching, I probably will. Anytime there are teens doing adult things on screen it freaks me out to my core, but I think I’m here for this glossy, glittery and jittery ride.

Julie the Production Assistant

Any wannabe filmmaker pre-YouTube knows the obvious first step to breaking into the industry is production assistant work. I had two experiences being a PA on actual real life sets.

Sometime around 2005 I got a tiny gig as a production assistant for a TV shoot. It was some sort of Tim the Toolman Taylor’s Tool Time handyman show on the DIY network in DC. My mom knew the director of photography, who had previously worked at C-SPAN as a cameraman. So I spent the day doing various tasks, like helping the sound guy with his equipment, and covering the logos on table saws with black tape. Then I had to sort of re-cover them in sawdust so it looked natural….At one point I took a lunch order and spent what felt like a decade trying to figure out how to get to the nearest Subway. By the time I got back, everyone, including myself, was STARVING. I do have a distinct memory of eating the best tasting subway cookie I had ever had. (??? TBH this sounds like me.) It was a long, fairly simple day. There were six people there. I was paid, but I don’t remember how much.

The only other real PA chance I had was while I was in college. A friend told me the show Nanny 911 was shooting locally and they were looking for film students to come do PA work for one day. I rushed to the shoot, signed some sort of production…agreement…?? Then found myself not quite knowing what to do. It seemed like I wasn’t going to be very helpful….but I eventually jumped into the fray and made myself useful. I was stunned and amused to see the crew had placed giant lights all over the family’s house, just out of the camera’s frame. They had even matched the paint in each room so viewers couldn’t tell there were extra light cords climbing the walls. The crew was told not to speak to the Nanny 911 family, as it was the last day of shooting and they needed to stay somber to say goodbye to Nanny. Do you remember Nanny 911?? You’re essentially encouraged to judge these helpless, desperate parents and the brats they're raising. A nanny would swoop to their rescue and teach everyone how to ackrite. It’s of the subgenre I call ’At Least It’s Not Me - Reality TV’. (Hahahaha boy was I wrong about that one. There should be an actual Nanny 911 hotline… ) ANYWAY, I met some LA producers who were excited to show a young college coed the various spreadsheets required to have everything run smoothly. One of them gave me his card. I think I still have it! That evening I had to assist in driving a giant van back to a lot. On the way back the director was asking me about my future and what I wanted to do in life. I told him about how thrilling I find the industry, how exciting working in TV could be, how badly I wanted to be a director. But first and foremost, “I want to be a mom.” He was like LOL DID U NOT JUST SEE THOSE WILD KIDS WE FILMED?? No, he didn't say that. But he was surprised by what I said. 

I’m glad I got those two days to learn about set life, since I have yet to do professional PA work again…