Furious 7

He gave me two choices, Exodus: Gods and Kings or Furious 7. After my voting for Exodus, he decided on Furious 7. There is absolutely no other way in the world I would watch this film except for the fact that we were both bed ridden with strep throat. And sometimes I let him choose the movie we watch. (Supawifey=me.) Seven flicks into the exhaustively overblown franchise, what left do the filmmakers have to do but shove some cars out of a plane, drive a million dollar car fifty stories up through several buildings in a row, send military grade missiles after some cars on the streets of LA causing “vehicular warfare”, and give Michele Rodriguez a case of amnesia in a feeble attempt to freshen up an otherwise repetitive and predictable storyline. 

The only other Furious film I’ve seen was the third one, Tokyo Drift - another movie I was dragged to by a gaggle of guy friends. And it wasn’t that great either. Admittedly I don’t believe I’m the key demographic for these movies, and action sequences tend to bore me. (Cuz I’m a snob? But for some inexplicable reason my mother has seen all seven and is somehow invested? I think?? That makes no sense to me. Maybe I’m missing something here….mmmmm no I’m sure I’m not. What gives, Ma??) I don't plan on viewing another one anytime soon, maybe I'll check back in around Furious 22: The Next Fenderation (yes? no? does this joke work?)

There was absolutely no redeemable quality to this movie, not even putting hottie Nathalie Emmanuel in a bikini or having Michele and Ronda Rousey decking each other through coffee tables in a billionaire’s baller pad in Dubai. The best moment was probably when Nathalie’s brainiac character quickly and accurately asserts who’s who in this cliché film world - Vin’s the alpha, Michele’s Mrs. Alpha, Paul’s the ex cop, and Tyrese is the clown. This was a satisfying bit of meta to me. The film is gratuitous in every way. One of the first scenes shows an array of female rear ends – embedding the song playing in my head as “butts, butts, butts-butts-butts. Big butts small butts round and flaaaat butts.” Each action sequence looked like a nightmare to produce and shoot, as absurd as each was conceptually and physically. “CARS DON’T FLY” Paul Walker (RIP!) points out to his kid. OH I BET THEY DO BY THE END OF THE FILM PAUL, I BET THEY DO. The majority of the $190 mil budget was certainly segued into the action sequences. Seriously, someone slashed the makeup budget, because these people came out of every car crashing, head bashing, missile blasting scene without a single scratch!!! Did Hollywood run out of fake blood?? That may be the most unbelievable part of the film. And did I point out they threw cars out of a plane? With people inside them? Parachuting safely right onto the road below? These people managed to survive every gut wrenching car accident unscathed except where the plot needed it – in the end, where (SPOILER!!) Michele’s memory returns as she wails over a seemingly dead Vin Diesel. But he still manages to survive, obvi. It’s not like they would make Furious 8 without him. The plot was uninteresting and predictable, not even going to explain it. The MOST interesting thing was Vin’s lack of facial expression. I think all his face muscles melted down into his real muscles. Or something. He was bad. DTRJ definitely out acted him. When DTRJ burst his arm out of his cast just by flexing, I BELIEVED it you guys! I also rolled my eyes and actually laughed out loud. 

Mk, end of rant, I’m about to praise this film for a historical cinematic feat. Paul Walker died after only half the film had been shot. Once the aftermath settled, the director decided to finish the film, as “Paul would have wanted.” After some story re-writes, using unused footage from the previous six films, some extremely skilled CGI masters, and Paul’s two brothers as body doubles, they managed to seamlessly complete the film without any sign of Paul’s passing. I knew Paul had died during production as I watched the movie, but I wasn’t sure when or how completed the shoot was at the time. I am blown away at the skill, subtlety, and finesse they showed from this process. Only at the last five minutes of the film would someone unaware of the situation say “hey did this guy die or something??” There’s a pretty heavy-handed goodbye to Paul Walker, but it is done in a very tasteful and respectful way. The only moment where I raised an eyebrow was at an unnecessary last shot of Paul driving a car (as I type this I realize they kind of had to have his last shot in a car to avoid fan outrage) alongside Vin Diesel. When I read which scenes they used doubles in, I was surprised I hadn’t noticed them sticking out like sore thumbs as I viewed the film. In case you didn’t know, during a break in filming, Paul’s life ended in the most poignant way – in a car crash. RIP Paul!